1. Cut out unnecessary sleep.
Sleep is for the feeble-minded. Make sure you choose to cohabit with a partner that SNORES. Without those repeated guttural vibrations rousing you throughout the night, you lose out on valuable time to mull over tricky and unpleasant situations from the day. Did you know… Insomniacs are up to 4x more productive than their somnolent peers? (TOP TIP – Sharing a bed which is slightly too small for 2 adults will ensure you’re always alert and ready to ruminate.)
2. Scroll for the soul.
If you’re not taking advantage of the reels and reels of infinite content on the social media platforms, you could be missing out on important information!¡! Experts advise at least 4 hours per day of aimless scrolling (on top of any specific social media activity you’re obliged to engage in) but the latest research suggests that upwards of 6 hours is optimum. Be sure to draw plenty of comparisons between yourself and the symmetrical people in the photos for maximum oomph!
3. US diet.
Skip those laborious nutrient-rich meals and keep popping the high-sugar and caffeinated snacks through the day, to allow for maximum working time. Did YOU know… The pancreas can get lazy when not consistently forced to work at max capacity? (Current research suggests 1 in 4 of us could be living with a lazy pancreas. Stats higher in liberal areas and The North).
4. Buy to stay high!
Make sure you enter into the full spirit of the Late-Capitalist Dream by never easing-up on the spending for a moment. Bought all your Christmas presents? Don’t allow yourself to sink into a thrifty slump. A recent survey found that your face has been looking a bit bland lately… why not pop into Boots for some of that cream which shrinks your forehead and sinuses to accentuate the eyeballs? Swollen eyes are in this season! It’s vital keep your foot on the purchasing-pedal to avoid falling behind and becoming irrelevant. TOP TIP: try to buy at least one ill-advised and extraneous item every day (or several, for maximum impact on the existential abyss.)
5. Optimisation.
‘free time’ is an insidious phrase which belies the true malevolence of the term. It is simply time in which goals are not being reached and achievements remain wholly UNACHIEVED. No time should be ‘free’ if you’re serious about productivity and success. Every moment ought to be crammed
to the hilt with relentless activity and strategies for self-improvement. I once knew a student with a diagnosis of Chronic Free Time (CFT), who was regularly seen sitting alone in public, device-free (eek!) and was widely suspected to not have any social media accounts. Studies suggest that CFT is becoming more prevalent than ever in the UK – with the most serious cases appearing amongst
Millennials, Gays and The Woke.
My one golden nugget of advice for maximizing productivity would be to eliminate the phrase ‘free time’ from your vocabulary. You won’t fail to reap the rewards..
And don’t forget to upload all this data (sleep cycles, heart rate, exercise etc.) into an app so that those caring capitalists can sell you even more products based on that highly personal data you just willingly gave away. 👍
Very true! Must not forget to do that!